A little voice recognition please

Life with a speech recognition enabled TV set your living room……..

A little voice recognition please

Samsung ES8000 TV

John DAVIDSON

Scene 1: A living room somewhere in Australia, June 2012. In strolls Dr John Davidson, a tall, fabulously handsome gadget reviewer from the Digital Life Laboratories, his suit jacket slung nonchalantly over his shoulder. (Note to producers: Can we please cast Jon Hamm to play me? Pretty please?)

Dr John: Hi TV! Power on!

Crickets chirp loudly in the distance. The TV remains resolutely powered off.

Dr John, louder this time: Hi TV! Power on!

The sound of the crickets gets louder too. Dr John positions himself in front of the TV and starts waving his hands in big circles; it’s like the wax on, wax off scene from The Karate Kid. Frankly, he looks like an idiot. The TV is nonplussed by it all, and stays off. The shot widens to reveal Christina Hendricks, Dr John’s wife. (Note to producers: Can we please get the actual Christina Hendricks to play Christina Hendricks? That would be awesome, thanks.)

Christina, putting down her martini: You know it’s a Sony, don’t you?

John: Oh darn it! It looks just like the Samsung I was reviewing in the Labs today.

Christina: Yeah, not so much. The Samsung has a camera on top and . . .

The sound goes all wonky and fades out, just as the shot goes wavy, like a TV that’s poorly tuned. This to indicate a flashback to the Labs, earlier that day. Some words crawl across the bottom of the shot: Based on actual events!

Scene 2: The Digital Life Labs. In strolls Dr John Davidson. He looks just as dashing in his fresh white lab coat. Maybe there are some lipstick stains on his collar? Just a thought.

Dr John: Hi TV! Power on!

The TV springs to life. For this is the that Dr John is reviewing, a voice- and gesture-controlled TV that is almost, but not quite, as big and handsome as our hero himself. (Note to producers: If we can’t get Hamm to play me, how about Viggo Mortshisname?)

Dr John: Hi TV. Search all.

A bubble with the words “Search all” miraculously appears in the bottom left corner of the Samsung’s screen. Moments later another bubble appears: “Please speak now”.

Dr John: The Voice Darren Percival!

TV: Connecting . . .

TV: Connecting . . .

The screen is eventually filled with search results for “The Voice Darren Festival”. There are links to three YouTube videos (including one for Darren Percival, but not the one our tireless hero was looking for), three random-looking Facebook entries, and a “web browser” link, offering to search for “The Voice Darren Festival”.

Dr John: Close, but no cigar!

TV: Is it noisy around you?

Dr John, slower and louder this time: Hi TV. Search The Voice Darren Percival.

Success! The screen is filled with search results for “The Voice Darren Percival”. Dr John positions himself in front of the TV, and holds out his right hand in front of him in a sort of “stop” gesture. Honestly, he looks a little effeminate, like he’s about to break out in song: Stop, in the name of love, before you break my heart!. Aware of this, he glances around the Labs to check no one else is around. Seeing he is alone, he starts waving his arms slowly at a tiny camera sitting atop the TV. Who does this guy think he is, the Pope or something?

Eventually, with his arms almost falling off from exhaustion as it took so much gesturing, our hero moves the Samsung’s cursor to the YouTube video he wanted – the clip from the TV show The Voice in which Darren Percival sings a duet with someone known only as “Brett”. Dr John clenches his fist like he’s in the Black Panthers or something, only of course he isn’t a Black Panther, for reasons that should be obvious to viewers. (Note to producers: unless of course we cast Don Cheadle as me, which would be awesome too.) The TV reacts to this odd gesture by firing up its YouTube app, and playing the video Dr John wanted. How strange.

Anyway, our hero sits down on the couch and watches and listens while the soulful sounds of Darren Percival wash over him. For Mr Percival is his favourite singer.

Too soon the video is finished, but our beloved Dr John is not sated. He does the fantastically stupid wax on, wax off gesture, which causes the Samsung to go back to the search results page. With much flapping of his arms, he cajoles the cursor to the bottom of the screen, clenches his fist in that Black Panther salute again, and effects a web browser search for “The Voice Darren Percival”.

The browser on the Samsung eventually pops up – none of this stuff is lightning quick, despite the ES8000’s $3500 to $4300 price tag – with Bing search results. Bing! Are they nuts? Yet, by some fluke, the top result happens to be the one our amiable pacifist is after.

His arms too tired from all that flapping, he picks up the Samsung’s new touchpad remote control, scrolls down to the result he wants, and clicks the remote. Up comes the website for the TV show The Voice, right there on his TV.

A little more hunting around, and Dr John tells the website to play another Darren Percival video.

Web browser on TV: ninemsn video . . .

TV: ninemsn video . . .

TV: ninemsn video . . .

This goes on for some considerable time. Our hero is nodding off. He is, after all, married to Christina Hendricks. Need I say more?

TV: Error 2046

Dr John, nonplussed Sony style: Error 2046? Are you @#$#$ kidding me?

TV bubble: Connecting . . . Search for Are you f—-ing kidding me in web browser?

Dr John: Perfect. Hi TV. TV Power off.

TV: TV power off. OK?

Dr John: Whatever.

Our scientist takes off his lab coat and heads home. He has been at work all of 15 minutes.

But who, after all, would blame him?

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A little voice recognition please

Life with a speech recognition enabled TV set your living room……..

A little voice recognition please

Samsung ES8000 TV

John DAVIDSON

Scene 1: A living room somewhere in Australia, June 2012. In strolls Dr John Davidson, a tall, fabulously handsome gadget reviewer from the Digital Life Laboratories, his suit jacket slung nonchalantly over his shoulder. (Note to producers: Can we please cast Jon Hamm to play me? Pretty please?)

Dr John: Hi TV! Power on!

Crickets chirp loudly in the distance. The TV remains resolutely powered off.

Dr John, louder this time: Hi TV! Power on!

The sound of the crickets gets louder too. Dr John positions himself in front of the TV and starts waving his hands in big circles; it’s like the wax on, wax off scene from The Karate Kid. Frankly, he looks like an idiot. The TV is nonplussed by it all, and stays off. The shot widens to reveal Christina Hendricks, Dr John’s wife. (Note to producers: Can we please get the actual Christina Hendricks to play Christina Hendricks? That would be awesome, thanks.)

Christina, putting down her martini: You know it’s a Sony, don’t you?

John: Oh darn it! It looks just like the Samsung I was reviewing in the Labs today.

Christina: Yeah, not so much. The Samsung has a camera on top and . . .

The sound goes all wonky and fades out, just as the shot goes wavy, like a TV that’s poorly tuned. This to indicate a flashback to the Labs, earlier that day. Some words crawl across the bottom of the shot: Based on actual events!

Scene 2: The Digital Life Labs. In strolls Dr John Davidson. He looks just as dashing in his fresh white lab coat. Maybe there are some lipstick stains on his collar? Just a thought.

Dr John: Hi TV! Power on!

The TV springs to life. For this is the that Dr John is reviewing, a voice- and gesture-controlled TV that is almost, but not quite, as big and handsome as our hero himself. (Note to producers: If we can’t get Hamm to play me, how about Viggo Mortshisname?)

Dr John: Hi TV. Search all.

A bubble with the words “Search all” miraculously appears in the bottom left corner of the Samsung’s screen. Moments later another bubble appears: “Please speak now”.

Dr John: The Voice Darren Percival!

TV: Connecting . . .

TV: Connecting . . .

The screen is eventually filled with search results for “The Voice Darren Festival”. There are links to three YouTube videos (including one for Darren Percival, but not the one our tireless hero was looking for), three random-looking Facebook entries, and a “web browser” link, offering to search for “The Voice Darren Festival”.

Dr John: Close, but no cigar!

TV: Is it noisy around you?

Dr John, slower and louder this time: Hi TV. Search The Voice Darren Percival.

Success! The screen is filled with search results for “The Voice Darren Percival”. Dr John positions himself in front of the TV, and holds out his right hand in front of him in a sort of “stop” gesture. Honestly, he looks a little effeminate, like he’s about to break out in song: Stop, in the name of love, before you break my heart!. Aware of this, he glances around the Labs to check no one else is around. Seeing he is alone, he starts waving his arms slowly at a tiny camera sitting atop the TV. Who does this guy think he is, the Pope or something?

Eventually, with his arms almost falling off from exhaustion as it took so much gesturing, our hero moves the Samsung’s cursor to the YouTube video he wanted – the clip from the TV show The Voice in which Darren Percival sings a duet with someone known only as “Brett”. Dr John clenches his fist like he’s in the Black Panthers or something, only of course he isn’t a Black Panther, for reasons that should be obvious to viewers. (Note to producers: unless of course we cast Don Cheadle as me, which would be awesome too.) The TV reacts to this odd gesture by firing up its YouTube app, and playing the video Dr John wanted. How strange.

Anyway, our hero sits down on the couch and watches and listens while the soulful sounds of Darren Percival wash over him. For Mr Percival is his favourite singer.

Too soon the video is finished, but our beloved Dr John is not sated. He does the fantastically stupid wax on, wax off gesture, which causes the Samsung to go back to the search results page. With much flapping of his arms, he cajoles the cursor to the bottom of the screen, clenches his fist in that Black Panther salute again, and effects a web browser search for “The Voice Darren Percival”.

The browser on the Samsung eventually pops up – none of this stuff is lightning quick, despite the ES8000’s $3500 to $4300 price tag – with Bing search results. Bing! Are they nuts? Yet, by some fluke, the top result happens to be the one our amiable pacifist is after.

His arms too tired from all that flapping, he picks up the Samsung’s new touchpad remote control, scrolls down to the result he wants, and clicks the remote. Up comes the website for the TV show The Voice, right there on his TV.

A little more hunting around, and Dr John tells the website to play another Darren Percival video.

Web browser on TV: ninemsn video . . .

TV: ninemsn video . . .

TV: ninemsn video . . .

This goes on for some considerable time. Our hero is nodding off. He is, after all, married to Christina Hendricks. Need I say more?

TV: Error 2046

Dr John, nonplussed Sony style: Error 2046? Are you @#$#$ kidding me?

TV bubble: Connecting . . . Search for Are you f—-ing kidding me in web browser?

Dr John: Perfect. Hi TV. TV Power off.

TV: TV power off. OK?

Dr John: Whatever.

Our scientist takes off his lab coat and heads home. He has been at work all of 15 minutes.

But who, after all, would blame him?

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